Give A Girl A Voice | Part 2
Give a Girl a Voice.
Every girl desires to be accepted by peers. Friendships are a very important part of development and growth. Positive, loving friendships help girls:
Feel a sense of belonging
Build confidence
Provide a sense of security
Learn about and experiment with different values, roles, and identities
However, in our work, friendships and relationships among adolescent girls are often one of the top issues that surface in conversation and mentoring discussions.
girls and popularity
Popular is a term we hear often from young girls. In asking what they think being popular means they respond, “everyone knows them.” or “they get all the attention.” or “they have nice clothes.” In pre-teen and teen minds, this attention and acceptance often becomes more significant than their values and self-worth. The fear of being ostracized by their peers becomes motivation to fit in at all costs.
Hollywood often uses this desire to fit in as the premise for popular movies - think Mean Girls. The popular girl and her posse vs. the wallflower longing to be accepted. Often the films pit the mean girl against the nice girl. Unfortunately this doesn’t just happen in the movies, this ‘mean girl’ culture is pervasive. And is happening at a younger age. Teachers have shared they see it happening by 3rd or 4th grade.
A mother was sharing with me how her 9 year old daughter had a best friend. They had both moved to a new school the same year and hit it off right away. They lived near each other, spending most days together. They joined basketball and played on the same team.
Nine months into their friendship, the friend told her daughter they were no longer friends. They didn’t have a falling out, they didn’t start to develop different interests, the friend just cut her off and started being mean at school. Her daughter cried every night and didn’t want to go to school. Being shut out by her best friend made her daughter’s self-esteem plummet, creating this belief that she wouldn’t make other friends.
Six years later, the daughter still struggles to trust her peers and has difficulty making friends. Her defense mechanisms tell her that it’s better not to have friends than to make a friend and then get dropped.
Oftentimes, this mean girl behavior is driven by a deep insecurity. They are jealous or feel less adequate than their victim so they work to demean them. They are seeking attention to feel better about themselves. Their self-worth is derived by being popular.
healthy relationships
At BIO Girls, the topic of healthy relationships is one of our four curriculum tracks. We help girls identify the qualities of a positive relationship, red flags that could indicate an unhealthy relationship and provide girls the opportunity to practice skills to deal with common friendship issues.
A mother shared with me recently that her daughter was being controlled by a friend. Telling her she couldn’t have friends. Making her feel bad for talking to other friends. Teasing her for interacting with a male classmate in the hallway. The mother was so grateful to BIO Girls because her daughter identified right away the behavior by this friend was inappropriate and unhealthy. She was able to use the skills learned at BIO Girls to confront the friends and stand up for herself. The conclusion of this story is probably not what you are thinking. The two girls are still friends, but the mean girl has changed her behavior and is treating her friend with respect.
BIO Girls also creates a unique opportunity to discover new friendships. In our larger communities, small groups are formed by separating known friends, sisters, and other relatives. Care is also taken to create groups that include a mix of girls from different schools. In a post-season survey, “Meeting New Friends” is in the top 3 things participants love about BIO Girls.
One of the most meaningful personal experiences I have had as a leader of a BIO Girls group was watching the transition of a ‘mean girl’ into the biggest cheerleader for our entire BIO Girls roster. She started the season goofing around with an heir of being ‘too good’ to be participating. She would only interact with her best friend, who was also a participant. I had to take her aside and explain that she was a role model and someone all the girls were looking to to set an example. That’s all it took.
From that time on, she dove head first into the lessons and activities. She made new friends and was a big supporter of all the participants. She was athletically gifted so was often one of the first to complete our run. She would wait outside high-fiving all the girls as they completed their run.
At the 5K, she led all the participants to line the finish line area to cheer on our last participant to finish. They chanted the finisher's name and as she finished, encircled her in a congratulatory hug. I was so proud of this ‘mean girl’ and it still brings tears to my eyes reliving that moment.
In high school, she joined a Philanthropy and Youth group and paid a visit to the BIO Girls office. Their group was inquiring about our mission as they decided which organizations in our community they would support. It was so good to connect with her and see what a wonderful young woman she has grown to be. I bumped into her mom at Target one day and she told me that they are forever grateful for BIO Girls as they saw such a transition in her daughter that year.
How can I help?
As parents and caregivers there are a few ways we can help our girls develop healthy relationships:
Model healthy relationships. In a society where ‘Real Housewives’ type shows rule the airwaves and people enjoy seeing the back stabbing, destructive behavior of woman vs. woman, it’s imperative that we model healthy relationships for our girls - with significant others, with friends and with our neighbors.
Avoid social engineering friendships. Keep social circle opportunities open and diverse. Don’t ‘force’ friendships. Allow girls to find and develop their own friendships based on common interests.
Help girls identify values. Have open conversations about what your girl values, what she’s interested in and what is important to her. By helping her identify these things, she is able to raise a red flag when friendship behavior isn’t in line with her values.
Discuss rejection. Share stories of your own experiences. Help her put rejection into context, even before it occurs, so that if or when it does happen she is prepared. Yes, it may still hurt, but it will help her understand that her world is not ending.
At BIO Girls we give girls a voice. A voice to choose loving friendships over destructive relationships. A voice to stand up for themselves. A voice to value their self-worth over popularity.
A voice that says, “I am enough.”
Sponsor A Girl, Give A Girl A Voice: www.biogirls.org/sponsoragirl