What to do When – Your Child Is Worried About Failure
What To Do When…
Your Child Is Worried About Failure.
Dr. Kristin Hoff
“But what if I fail?” It’s a common question asked when faced with a challenge or an experience that will undoubtedly be evaluated. After all, failure might lead to uncomfortable feelings of embarrassment, disappointment, guilt, or shame.
In everyday life humans are faced with the potential for failure. For example, children may experience failures when they try new developmental tasks, such as tying their shoes, learning a new skill at school, or making new friends. Adults face similar challenges in their work, home life, and hobbies. Essentially, everything one does presents opportunities to learn, grow…and fail. If not addressed, apprehension about failure can lead to perfectionism, procrastination, low self-esteem or even avoiding/ceasing new opportunities and experiences. Therefore, it is important to develop a healthy relationship with the concept of failure, so one can continue to flourish, grow, and be resilient in the face of failure.
How to Support a Healthy Relationship with Failure
To develop a healthy relationship with failure, one must first recognize and accept that failure is a part of learning and growth. It is unrealistic to set goals with the expectation that the goal will be met without adversity/failure along the way.
Furthermore, there is no guaranteed outcome when working towards a goal. Consider these examples:
· A student can prepare for a test, but they don’t control what is on the test, how the test is graded, if the test grade is curved, etc.
· A track athlete can train and prepare, but they don’t control weather conditions during their race, the heat they are entered in, their opponent’s abilities, etc.
· An employee can remain committed to doing their work well, but they don’t control if they are selected for a promotion, if there is a job available for them to be promoted, etc.
Ultimately, one does not have control over outcomes, they only influence outcomes. Therefore, focusing solely on outcome can be unhelpful. Instead, it may be more helpful to focus on what is within one’s control and cultivate an environment centered on process, growth, and resilience. This focus on growth supports progress towards the outcome goal.
Below are some ways to support a culture of growth:
1. Reinforce the process. Whether one reaches their goals or not, consider reinforcing the process. If someone reaches their goal, you may congratulate them and note how they worked hard, persevered, and managed challenges throughout the journey to achieve the outcome. If they did not reach their goal, you can focus on their learning and growth process. You might consider reinforcing factors within their control--such as effort, attitude, courage to try something new, sportsmanship, preparation, grit, resilience, etc.
2. Nurture resilience over reassurance. It’s natural to feel nervous about failing at something that is evaluated. When someone is nervous about failing, the natural tendency is to reassure them that they will do well. Reassurance reduces nervousness in the short-term but continues to reinforce the concept that failing is intolerable and thus, one needs to be reassured they will do well. Instead, consider normalizing their emotional response and focusing on skills they can use to prepare and manage adversity. Example: “Of course you are nervous about that test. You really want to do well. I wonder what skills or qualities you have that can help you focus on doing well. What skills have you used in the past?” Guide them towards putting together a study plan, using active study strategies, asking for help on topics they don’t understand, etc. Essentially, instead of “I will do well” (uncontrollable), focus on “I will prepare to do well” (controllable).
3. Set helpful goals. In goal setting, we often want to set outcome goals (grades, time, statistics, records, etc.). However, one does not “control” outcomes, they only influence them. So, it may be helpful to focus on identifying specific behavioral steps within one’s control to progress towards the goal. Examples:
a. A student wants to get an A.
· I will review my notes from class each night and make note of anything I have questions on to ask the teacher the next class period.
· I will attend the study session on Tuesday at 6pm each week.
b. A child wants to make new friends at school.
· I will introduce myself to one new student per month.
· I will offer to share (something) with friends at least once per week.
Therefore, even if one does not reach the outcome goal, they can objectively review the progress they are making towards their goal. It can also be helpful to review what steps/behaviors are working and what could be modified to continually support the learning process.
4. Set realistic expectations. Goals can be reinforced by creating the expectation that there is a process to achieving those goals and it is not expected that one will reach them right away.
a. Example: A first-year college student doesn’t do well in their first round of tests and is having trouble with making friends. Normalize that it takes time to adjust to collegiate academics and make friends.
5. Normalize failures as part of the goal setting journey/process. Failures typically indicate that one is challenging themselves to try something new or that they are continuing to work on refining their skills. We don’t grow by only doing things we know how to do. Therefore, it can be helpful to normalize mistakes and failure as an expected part of the growth process.
6. Reinforce natural emotional responses AND growth and learning. After a failure, one may need time to feel disappointed with the result. After all, putting in effort and not getting a result can naturally feel disappointing. Therefore, it can be helpful to normalize the emotional experience of disappointment and demonstrate empathy and understanding. When they are ready, it may be helpful to review what went well, what they were proud of, and one thing they want to work on next time.
The growth process can be scary because it includes inevitable failures throughout the journey. If one can nurture a healthy relationship with the concept of failure, they can forge ahead to growth and learning.
