What to do When – Your Child Experiences a Change in the Family System
What to do When…
Your Child Experiences a Change in the Family System.
Christina Smestad-Schmaltz
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the Village Family Service Center
As a mental health professional, I am often asked how to manage changes occurring within the family system that are impacting kids. Although there are a wide variety of changes that can occur (e.g., parental divorce or separation, a move, the birth or adoption of a new sibling) as well as many other things, there are a few tips that are consistently helpful in almost any situation involving change.
Accept that change often feels uncomfortable, even if it’s welcome. It’s important to discuss the change openly within the family and acknowledge the discomfort that comes along with change due to the unknown feeling scary. For example, although the birth or adoption of a sibling is assumed to be a positive stressor, it’s important to give children space to wrestle with this and dislike the idea of adding a sibling. Remind yourself that they get to have their own feelings, which might be different from yours.
When things feel out of control, focus on what you can control. It’s helpful to be intentional about the things we do have control over, such as keeping routines and expectations/responses the same where possible. Children feel safer when they know what to expect, and we can give this to them by keeping things predictable when we’re able. This is obviously going to look different depending on the situation, but even things as simple as eating at the same dinner table or keeping the same bedtime routine can be helpful when the rest of life feels chaotic. Ask them what they would like to stay the same. Be honest about the things you can keep the same (e.g., Dad will still take you to soccer practice), and the things that you can’t. You can often provide them with the opportunity to choose what is developmentally appropriate as well (e.g., would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt today?).
Talk about the plan and what the future is going to look like. As a caregiver, it is natural to feel that you need to have the answer for everything. It’s important to answer as honestly as you can in a developmentally appropriate way, but it’s also okay to say that you don’t have the answer for something right now. However, you will let them know as soon as we do. It’s important not to underestimate the level of awareness a child has when it comes to changes in a family dynamic. Kids can easily detect something is different. If you, as a caregiver, don’t help them make sense of what’s happening, they’ll fill in the details on their own. These conclusions are often not the stories you want them telling themselves. Allow them to ask questions and remind them that they can ask them any time. Children will often blame themselves, due to their developmental stage. It is important to remind them that this is not their fault and that it’s normal to feel sad or mad. Remind them that there is no “wrong” feeling.
Seek professional assistance. If you’re seeing changes in your child’s mood or behavior, it may be helpful to seek professional advice. Consulting a mental health professional can help children and families process through the changes happening in a supportive and neutral environment. Children often benefit from having a safe place to talk about the changes where they don’t have to worry about hurting another family member’s feelings. Remember that changes can impact children in different ways, and it never hurts to seek support.