Give a Girl a Voice | Part 1
Give A Girl A Voice.
Over the past few years, I’ve read many articles about the difference between boys and girls in a classroom. All the authors discuss the fact boys are much more likely to raise their hand to answer a question than a girl. Some say this is evident as young as kindergarten; but most point to the 4th or 5th grade as the turning point for girls. This phenomenon has been researched extensively.
The reason for the disparity is not a difference in intelligence or developmental stage. The research points to the inner dialogue that surfaces around this age in girls which casts self-doubt and a fear of being judged.
“I’ve never done that before.”
“I’m not sure if I know the right answer.”
“What will people say if I know the answer.”
“What will my peers say if I answer wrong.”
“I’m not as smart as my friend.”
“I’m not the best so I’m not worthy.”
This is their inner voice. Their harshest critic.
the inner critic
Everyone has an inner critic. Research shows that the primary source of a child’s inner critic is from interactions with their parents or primary caregivers. It is also influenced by the way parents and caregivers talk about and treat themselves.
Let’s look at an example.
Susie plays 4th grade basketball. As the season progresses, the coach is only playing 6 of the 10 girls on the team regularly. Susie is one of the four that sits the bench. The only time the coach is happy is when the team wins. Coach doesn’t praise the girls for progress - making three passes before shooting, boxing out and getting a rebound, doing a cross-over dribble. In practice, all they focus on is the plays that will help them win - not the fundamentals that will make them better players. If they lose, the coach is angry and makes the team run sprints. Remember, this is a 4th grade basketball team.
For the girls that get playing time, they internalize this coaching behavior as, ‘I’m only worthy of praise if we win.’ For the four players not getting playing time, IN FOURTH GRADE, they are internalizing this coaching behavior as, ‘I’m a terrible basketball player and I don’t deserve a chance.’ I’ve seen this happen first-hand. This behavior by a trusted adult destroyed the self-confidence of a fourth grader and turned her inner critic against her. The magnitude of the impact adult behavior has on a child’s inner voice is real.
body dysmorphia
The most obvious example of the effects of the inner critic is girls who suffer from body dysmorphia. Let’s look at an example.
Lucy’s mom is constantly talking about dieting and losing weight. “Her jeans don’t fit, she shouldn’t eat the potato and maybe she will try the Keto diet.” Lucy realizes her body looks very similar to her moms. So she starts to examine her body in the mirror in her room and she starts comparing her body to the girls at school. Lucy believes her butt is bigger than the other girls’ so she has to lose some weight, like her mom. She decides to cut out dairy because a girl at school who is lactose intolerant is skinny. Cutting out milk doesn’t do the trick so Lucy decides she will skip breakfast.
This inner dialogue continues and in college Lucy has such body dysmorphia from listening to her inner critic that she is eating only carrots - raw for lunch and cooked for dinner. Lucy’s inner critic led to irrational beliefs about her body and eventually turned into destructive behavior that commandeers Lucy’s life.
the effects
The inner critic can have paralyzing effects on girls:
Girls are ruminators. Girls dwell on things and second guess themselves. When their inner critic is fed through rumination, the criticizing thoughts become more pronounced.
Thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When the critical thoughts become constant, girls start to believe the thoughts are true. The thoughts start to define them and dictate their behavior.
When girls believe the thoughts are true, their self-esteem suffers and they are more likely to engage in destructive behavior.
At BIO Girls, we have a lesson where the facilitator shares a story about having to give a presentation with the BIO Girls participants. The presentation was in front of a really large audience.
Before the presentation, the facilitator’s friend, who is attending the presentation stops by. The friend incessantly voices negative comments to the facilitator:
‘You aren’t prepared.’
‘Your hair looks bad.’
‘Why would they have YOU speak?’
‘You are going to make a fool of yourself.’
The BIO Girls participants are dumbfounded. They start saying the friend is rude. They question why she would do that to the facilitator and why the facilitator didn’t stop her. They think the facilitator should steer clear of this friend. At this point, the facilitator shares that the ‘friend’ was actually her own inner voice.
We end the session by asking, “If you wouldn’t let a friend talk to you in that way, why do you let yourself?”
How can i help?
There are several ways parents and caregivers can help girls of all ages quiet their inner critic and amplify what some refer to as the inner mentor:
Acknowledge demeaning thoughts. It’s easy to laugh off or pass over negative thoughts our girls vocalize such as, ‘My legs are short and stubby.’ When thoughts like this are vocalized, there is an underlying insecurity or desire. Help your girl(s) recognize these demeaning thoughts. Have her write them down and say them outloud. Ask if she would tell her friend that her legs were short and stubby. By helping her acknowledge the negative thoughts, she will become aware of and in tune with them so when they occur again, she can stop them. The goal is to stop the thoughts before they become beliefs.
Keep social media in check. Much has been written about the highlight reels of social media and the harmful social comparison that occurs. Girls are more likely to use social media as a gauge to compare themselves. Monitor your girl(s)’ influencers on social media. There are many positive influencers who are working to combat the perfectionism trap and change the way girls view themselves.
Practice gratitude. It is proven that intentionally focusing on the positive, the inner critic becomes less vocal. Make a point of daily gratitude reflection WITH your girl(s). When you each focus on one or more positives, it will help to retrain her brain. Just like lifting weights, the more you do it, the stronger you get. When you flood your internal dialogue with positive thoughts, the less room you have for negative thoughts.
At BIO Girls, our mission is to give a girl a voice. A positive inner voice that says,
“I can do it.”
“I will raise my hand to answer the question.”
“I will learn from my failure.”
“I am more than my appearance.”
“I will include those left out.”
“I deserve to be treated well.”
“I am worthy of love and acceptance”
A voice that says, “I am enough.”
Sponsor A Girl, Give A Girl A Voice: www.biogirls.org/sponsoragirl